So if you’re on live stream or you’re on Zoom, interact. If you’re doing some work, get online, start your camera, ask questions on the chat. You will love it.

45 minutes will be good. When you’re born, when you’re young, life is like this, clean slate. Your mind, your heart, your soul, everything is clean.

You are newborn, you’re enjoying the life. You’re trying to do something. As you grow, toddler, eight years, 10 years, you start painting something.

You go to school, you make friends, you develop relations and you try to find some meaning. You do something and you try to paint your life, right? You are a child, you are trying to paint your life. It’s not necessary that every painting is going to be good.

It’s not necessary that every painting is going to be such a marvelous thing or something good, beautiful, right? Sometimes it happens, your painting is going to be just an average, but at least you’re living your life. But suddenly the grief starts. You lose something, you lose someone, you lose yourself.

And that’s what happens in the life. Time does not heal. Anything, any consolation will not heal.

There is a grieving process, it heals. What you need is to identify a new purpose, new meaning to the life. You cannot remove this black dot.

You paint anything, this black dot will always be visible. You do anything, this black dot will always be visible. What you need to do is go through the grief process.

It takes time. For some people, six months, for some people, four years. Take your own time.

There is no competition. Don’t compare. Take a break from life.

Go through the grieving process. Find some meaning, find some purpose in life. Try to find some hobby to express your emotions.

Write a journal and try to find purpose around the grieving spot. Try to paint something around it. And while you’re painting, this grief, this black, will always be tending your other purpose.

It’s okay. Your life is not going to be the same as it was supposed to be when you were not grieving. It is not going to be like that.

Your life, your new purpose, your new meaning is always going to be revolving around the grief now. And some of the components of the grief, some of the black color will always freak your new purpose, new life. It’s okay.

This is your new life. And that is the objective of a grief counselor. That is the objective of a psychologist, a nurse, a doctor treating the oncopatient, a oncology cancer child, right? Now, a question to every one of you.

When did you face grief? What are the instances when a person faces grief? Is it in life or it’s in death? Please reply in the chat. YouTube people, wow, very active. Zoom people, average active.

Get active. If you’re active, you are favorite. That’s so nice.

YouTube, a lot of people are very active. Good to see. Around more than 1,000 audience is there today for this session.

Very good. So, grief happens in life as well as death, right? A person can undergo grief when there is a bereavement in the family, a loss of someone. A someone, the person loves, is diagnosed with a disease or terminal illness or an accident.

It can be for self or for a loved one. Awareness of a short expectancy of a loved one. A parent realizes the child is not going to survive longer.

Grief. The grief will not wait for the child to die. The grief has started today at the diagnosis.

That is why it is very important for especially an oncology surgeon or a heart surgeon to announce that with empathy. Announce that to the parents by understanding that the parent will start undergoing the grief process. While taking care of this deceased child.

Separation due to divorce. Separation from the child because of custody battle after divorce. One of the parent is going to go through the grief and not only the parent, but also the child is going to undergo grief.

That’s why those who learn marriage counseling course, we have the wonderful program, Masterclass Marriage Relationship Counseling and Family Therapy. In this program, we emphasize that not only the marriage counselor role is not only to facilitate get together of a couple, but also to facilitate their divorce without traumatizing their psychological well-being, without affecting the emotions of the child, without affecting or minimizing the effect on the child. That is what our marriage counselors learn from us.

Separation due to breakup or inevitable situation. It can be because with the business partner, it can be with someone loved or an affair or after the marriage or with a sibling. The parents decide after the divorce, they will take one more sibling.

Everyone is grieving here. We need to understand that process, right? And this grief is not going to heal with time. This grief will stay there for a lifetime and probably beyond.

Because as per Kobler model, the grieving process goes through five stages. And those stages are, everyone read this, denial. You refuse, the client refuses to accept or agree that there is a disease.

Someone has died or something mischief has happened. There is a denial. Then there is a anger, right? The second step is anger.

Anger on self, anger on others. And that anger has to come out while the grieving process. Bargaining.

Trying to bargain with yourself. Okay, it could have been worst, but at least this happened. It could have been the loss of everyone in the family, but only one person lost.

It could have been lost at early age. That person would have died at an early age, but died now. Bargaining with self or trying to understand self or explaining self or trying to leave with the scenario, what has happened.

Bargaining with the circumstances, bargaining with everything, right? Then the process goes to the depression, which is the worst. You ask a rheumatoid arthritis patient who has also suffered a depression. You ask, okay, all your diseases are gone.

All your slate is clean. This is your clean slate. Okay, now the God gives you two options.

One option is either you take depression as your suffering or you take rheumatoid arthritis as your suffering. Which one will you choose? The person who has suffered both the disease will say rheumatoid arthritis because when you are depressed, you don’t want to get up from the bed. You don’t want to wake up.

You don’t want to brush your teeth. You don’t want to bathe. You don’t want to comb.

You don’t want to leave. You don’t know what to do. You don’t have purpose, right? That’s bad depression, it’s like.

You may have some dream, but you’re forgotten that, right? It’s, dementia is one thing, losing your memory. Depression is like losing yourself, losing your motive, losing your thing to walk. Broken spirit, that’s the worst thing to leave.

A dead person walking, that is a depression, right? Only difference is that a dead person walking is at least walking. The depressed person is, might find it difficult even to walk, even to wake up, even to rise up from the bed. That’s a challenge.

And then comes a phase, acceptance. Okay, thing has happened. Life has to go.

Life has to continue, accept. Before this, between this depression and acceptance, there is a high risk of suicidal tendency. If that person is able to get the support from either a psychologist, a counselor, or a doctor, or a family friend, or self willpower, then this acceptance phase comes.

Otherwise, the broken spirit continues, or there is a suicidal tendency, right? When the acceptance happens, the person tries to find the meaning in life, trying to paint things, right? And try to find new purpose, new meaning, new gesture, new hobby, new job, new life, new partner, new child, all those things, right? It is very important if a couple loses a child, not to encourage the couple to have the next child immediately, because the mother, or the father, or both of them will be going through a complete process. And the newborn, the second child, will have to undergo all this process with the mother. That is why it is necessary to come to the acceptance level.

And to come to acceptance level, it might take six months to four years. For average, most commonly it takes around four to six weeks. Now, there are some lies.

A grieving person is told, you might have heard this, someone is telling to someone, or you might have told to someone, don’t do that. Time heals, time never heals. Tell a mother, go to a mother who has lost a 10-year child, or 15-year child, go to a parent who has a single child, and they have lost a 15-year-old child.

Tell a parent whose child was learning in IIT, or Harvard, and while in second year, or while doing the Harvard, they lost the child in the accident. Tell them that time is going to heal. Time is not going to heal.

Another lie people say to a grieving person, it’s okay. It’s not okay. It’s not okay.

The spirit has broken, the life has broken. Person cannot leave, cannot find the meaning. There’s a huge black spot, and this black spot is not limited to this.

This black spot is completely corrupting. Complete black spot is there, according to them. It’s not okay.

It’s very difficult to come back from this and try to paint it. At least come to this level. It’s very difficult.

They had certain dreams. Everything is broken. One more lie people say, I understand.

You can never understand what a grieving person is going through. A person who had a heartbreak, she or he realizes what has happened. A person who’s going through divorce will realize what has happened.

A person going through a bereavement, or acknowledgement of a disease, will only understand what has happened with them. No one else can understand, right? So, avoid these lies. Then there are certain points, around 16 points I have written today.

What are the things you should avoid to a grieving person? Write down in the chat, on the YouTube channel as well as Zoom. What are the things you don’t want to say to a grieving person? Start writing. 30 seconds.

The best answer we’ll get that with your name, I will announce that. This is the best answer. Start writing.

Don’t worry, even if your answer is wrong, it’s okay. Try to pen something. Very good, very good.

YouTube people are very active. They are writing everything fast. Wow, it seems that those who are on YouTube’s live stream, they are typing way faster than the Zoom people.

Okay, come on. Wow, that’s good. Who writes the best answer? It’s not okay, correct.

Yes, very good. Very good. Try to shift your focus.

You will be fine. Be strong, take care of yourself. Come on, cannot take care of yourself, everything.

I’m with you is a good answer. So today, this question right now is, what you should not say to the grieving person? What you should not say? Very good. Say strong, you can be strong, be positive.

No, a person cannot be positive. Very good. There is a lot of things to do in life.

No, there is nothing. Okay, the person, last one is lost. There is nothing remaining in life.

So at least, there was something remaining at the time of the grief. As the process goes on, right? As the process goes on, this, everything is gone. So the complete life is gone.

There is nothing remaining in life. Very good. So not to say I understand things.

So there are around 16 things today we will learn. What are the things you should not say to the grieving person? Going to a person and asking, how are you doing? She will start crying, you know? Because she doesn’t have the answer. There is no second answer to this, right? There is only one answer.

Then going to a person and saying, you will be okay after a while, and she will look at you. Seriously. And then another is that if someone dies because of accident or some foolish thing or something, or a divorce or something, then saying that that other person has brought this on herself.

So that is very wrong to say. Another thing, very interesting, people go and say, I understand how you feel. Come on, you can never understand what a person is going through.

You shouldn’t feel that way. That is the terrible thing today. Say, it is like invalidating.

So the person has some feeling. She feels that this is a validating validation. This is a feeling I will have.

And saying that you shouldn’t feel that way. That is called invalidating your feeling. Never do that.

Stop crying. Wrong. Crying is one of the way to let your feelings wash away, to let your feelings come out.

And it is absolutely normal to cry. If there is a grieving person, either because of a deceased loved one, or because of a critical loved one, or a dead loved one, bereaved, you should say, it’s okay to cry. I cannot understand the pain what you’re going through.

I can never imagine the pain what you’re going through. And it’s okay to cry. It’s okay not to be strong.

It’s okay to show your weakness. It’s okay to cry in front of others. It’s okay to feel sad.

Everything is okay. Whatever you feel, whatever you do, it’s okay. I am with you.

I will be with your support. You need anything from me, I will be there. Though I cannot understand what you’re going through, though I can never relate how you are feeling, but I’m with you.

You say this statement. These are very powerful statements that gives energy. And if you are working in oncology segment like Tata Hospital, a huge, the highest, or the biggest oncology hospital, so if you are working in that segment, if you’re a nurse or a doctor or a psychologist, don’t go to a parent of a cancer child and say, sabkoosh theek ho jayega bhaiya, aunty sab theek ho jayega.

Don’t say that. Things are not going to be okay. You also know that.

They also know that. Another way people say is, at least he’s in heaven now. He’s in better place.

You know, the earth was hell, so now the person is in heaven. There are many people who live long and some people, they die young. Then another way is, probably that person was so good that God wanted him to be with him.

Come on. This grieving person doesn’t want God to have that person. This grieving person wants that Lord to be with her, not with the God.

So these are the fancy things to say. Don’t say that. Another terrible thing to say is that you meet a grieving person after one year or six months at some event or some social place or your college or your workplace, and you say, aren’t you over yet? He has been dead for a while.

This is not a sasgau serial, right? This is not some TV serial where that another boyfriend, another husband or someone else will come. This is real life. People do not get over.

It takes time to accept. Another way is to say, there’s a reason for everything. They don’t care.

They don’t care for reason at all now. They don’t want the reason. They want that person back.

They cannot accept that person has died. They cannot accept the reality. And saying that person, there is a reason for your death of the loved one? No, not acceptable, right? Because that person is asking, why this has happened to me? Why? Right? That question is going on.

And that is with a lot of anger, frustration, depression, everything. Right? And you cannot go and say to that person, there is a reason for everything. Come on, it cannot happen.

Because the question is why? Why it has happened to me? That is a question she’s asking. Do you have the answer? You don’t have. The biggest lie of the time.

Read everyone. Never ever say to a person who has a loved one going through a tough phase, a disease, or dying, or already bereaved. Never ever say this statement.

These are the typical statements. You go to your friend, and if she had, or he had a breakup, or a divorce, and you say this. You are still young.

You will find someone else. You are still young. You will have another children because you lost one.

Terrible. Terrible. You will do better next time in love.

Not good. Not good. You see your friend who is grieving because of a loss of a pet animal.

It can be a parrot, dog, cat, lion, tiger, any pet animal she wants. And you go and say, it was just an animal, you can get another one. Terrible thing.

No. That pet animal, either it was a dog, cat, parrot, it was part of the family. It was part of the heart.

The person has taken care of that pet as she would have taken care of her child. Probably she has sacrificed something equally, or at least something for that pet. There is a bond which can never be forgotten.

There are certain memories which can never be forgotten. She has got the love, unconditional love from this pet. She can never replace.

Another animal cannot substitute. If there are five dogs, one dog is lost, there is still a pain. If there are two dogs, one is lost, still there is a pain.

Nothing can substitute. If you had a pet, you will realize. How many of you had a pet by childhood or any of the age type, and you lost it, and you grieved.

And every year after death anniversary of the pet, you grieve. How many of you? It happens with you. Write in the chart.

And what was the pet name? Write in the chart. Live stream, Zoom. Both of you write in the chart.

What was the name of your pet? Which animal was it? And do still grieve for that pet. Or if your pet is still alive, wow, you are very lucky. That’s great.

Very good. Write everyone. Write in the chart, both the places.

I’m reading your charts. This chart will be saved. You know, average life of a parrot is around five to 10 years.

I had a parrot for 20 years. 20 years that parrot survived. Till the last date of that parrot, he could speak.

And he could speak my name, Pawan, happy birthday, Ram Ram, Mittu, Radhe Radhe, everything. And when we lost, every year, I miss him. Every, on my birthday, I feel he’s speaking to me.

Happy birthday, Pawan. Time cannot heal. I can never forget.

And most of my passwords are by his name. His name was Mittu. Magnetical part of life.

My child also remembers him. Another way to say, to someone grieving, stay busy, don’t think about it. Here the person cannot do brush, cannot go to bathroom, cannot go home, cannot cook, cannot eat.

And you’re asking that person to find something to get busy. No, it has to happen by self. When the person comes to the acceptance level, that is the phase, you can say this thing.

Not before that. Another way is to damage a person, is this. Okay.

If you say this statement, read this statement everyone, 30 seconds. You have to be strong for your spouse, children, mother, someone, and just move on. Wrong.

You know why? Because you are not giving time for the person to go through the five stages. So we’re trying to expedite the process of grieving. And because of this, there are a lot of negative emotions that will build up.

And when these negative emotions build up, this person will land up in all these things. Right? The person may go into minor depression, major depression, PTSD, post-traumatic self disorder, anxiety disorder, eating disorder, chronic pain, low academic or work performance, emotional burnout, mental burnout. Right? It is very important for every person to go through the grieving process as for the time they need.

Not as for the time which the society wants. Not as for the time which the situation demands. Because if it happens, then you are blocking the negative emotions and the negative emotions are developing and increasing.

And you don’t want that. Right? You want to have a purposeful, meaningful life. Go through the small steps slowly and then try to build your life.

You don’t want a permanent big black. You want this black to remain small and develop things around like that. Now we are seeing what are the things we should not say.

So there are certain things to say. Everyone read this. 30 seconds.

Interesting. YouTube live stream just got around 1500 audience. Wow.

That’s great. Welcome everyone. Keep writing in the chat.

Keep asking the questions. Write your name. Read this slide.

15 more seconds. To get the today’s participation certificate, you have to complete the previous, which was in the morning, the posters, which will be after 3 p.m. And then automated participation certificate will be generated. For the nurses, Maharashtra registered nurses, who registered on MNC portal, they will get the MNC certificate as well, in addition to this participation certificate.

This MNC registration credit point certificate will be issued only if you have registered on MNC portal. This is very important now. Everyone pay attention.

If you are doing something except saving your patient, unless you are a nurse or a doctor, managing doing CPR with the patient, pay attention for next five minutes. This will be interesting. Some of the techniques, which we teach in our program of psychology counseling, some of the techniques which we will learn today for a grieving process.

It is very important to allow the client to express your painful feelings. So what are the ways to express? Start by allowing your feelings to wash away, either by clapping your hands, either by pressing your pulse, cry, scream. Remember when you scream, scream in the sky, scream in the air, don’t scream at others.

Don’t ask for your emotions to the other. So except for this, you can scream at the things, you can scream at the inanimate objects also. Remember that some feelings, some thoughts, some thoughts, feelings, whatever you are having, it’s okay.

Go through the process. But there are some thoughts, while going through the process, you may have some negative thoughts, very bad, either to destroy someone, to put your frustration on someone or to destroy yourself or your life. These are thoughts.

They represent either fear or your delusions. Challenge your thoughts. If you get any self-destructing thoughts, challenge your thoughts.

Do not follow the self-destructing thoughts. Examples of self-destructive thoughts can be not paying attention to your business or work, not going to the work, not performing, fighting. Suicidal thoughts.

All these are self-destructive thoughts. Challenge them. Learn to challenge them.

So there are techniques which we teach in our CBT program, and there are various ways to do that. Do not avoid the painful feelings. Painful feelings, thoughts, and memories, if you suppress them, they are not good in the long run.

They can lead to all of the conditions which we discussed in the previous slide, PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, and all those things. It is a very good idea to write your feelings, write your thoughts, journal. It is a way to express, it is a way to channelize your thoughts.

Very good. Another way is to talk to either a friend, or family, or someone, or a therapist. And the therapist has to be trained properly.

That therapist should not invalidate your feeling. The therapist should not say, it’s okay. The therapist should not say, don’t do that.

Don’t feel that. You’re overreacting. These are the very damaging words.

If it happens, change the therapist. These are some of the techniques, which, these are some of them. So there are a lot of techniques which our students in psychology counseling, fellowship psychology counseling, or emotional wellness coach program, they learn.

So these techniques are, some of the techniques are higher end, they’re more basic. So we will learn some of the basic techniques, which you as a nurse, as a doctor, a healthcare professional, a relative, of a grieving person, can help. A psychologist, of a grieving client can help.

Find a square or a rectangle. It can be a window. Like what happens when a grieving person is going through anxiety? They feel apprehension.

They feel palpitation, shallow breathing, rapid breathing, heart rate fast. They can feel their own heart rate, heartbeat. They can hear their heart rate, heartbeat.

They feel that something is pulsating here. If it happens, this is a sign of anxiety. They may land up in panic attack.

Before it happens, tell them, find a window, find a rectangle. And what you do? Find a rectangle. What do you do? You go from this point, to this point, and from this point, to this point.